Updates...

We've had a lot going on, some light and some dark, but such is life. The point is that we made and are making it.

I don't talk about my marriage much, because it's my marriage, but I want to share something today. I have a very strong personality. It has been molded by many occurrences in my life. Sometimes, with those that I love/tend to, I can be a little controlling. I have improved with my children and have learned that they are different--they are individuals. Though they came from me, they are not me. Though they are mine, they are themselves. So I have that aspect pretty much down. I am learning what to correct and what to let go. I'm learning what is "attitude" or rebellion and what is personality and a need for independence.

Now, why is it that I wasn't able to afford my husband, a grown ass man, the same peace and freedom? For whatever reason I would try to strong arm him into doing things the way I think they should be done. Needless to say, this has caused some major clashes. At first, couldn't understand what his problem was. Why didn't he just do what I said? I mean, hell, I'm right at least 99.9% of the time. Makes sense right? No. It doesn't. I can offer advice, but I cannot force my way on another human being--another ADULT. There are a lot of reasons I could offer on why I behaved this way, and most people would say that they understand, but that doesn't excuse it. He has to be allowed to learn from and make his own mistakes AND achieve things on his own and to his own credit.

As you know, I am a omo Osun and Olamide is omo Obatala. It has taken me a while and a lot of teaching from Iya to really understand what Obatala's energy in his children can be like. They are thinkers. They MUST process EVERYTHING. I'm very quick and decisive. I doesn't take me long to figure what needs to happen. One is no better than the other. When we are appreciative of the other's energy we balance each other VERY well, otherwise it can get a little thorny. Now understand, it's not that I'm always impatient all the time. Sometimes I just hate to watch what imbalanced over-thinking does to him. If something goes wrong from him, he has to process through it which usually means rotating the negative occurrence repeatedly. I know that it is something that he needs to do, but I want to save him.

Basically, we chose our Ori. This means that we are equipped and required to handle our development and elevation. We are also expected help others, but we are expect/required to exercise iwa pele. This means that  we are not to impose ourselves on others. We all own roads to travel.

I love my husband now in a way I don't think I did previously. I love him for him. With and without his faults, because he is equipped to work through and learn from those faults.

Dreaming again...

So, I used to dream these really vivid dreams when I was young. Sometimes they were  scary, sometimes warnings, sometimes really pleasant, and sometimes they were just neutral like my regular life. Some of the church folk I grew up around little by little taught me not to trust myself (ori) or my dreams (don't know who helps out with dreams). They would say it with glances of disbelief, "awww, that doesn't mean anything", or "That's the devil talking to you, don't answer!". Whatever the case I learned to ignore the various ways Spirit tried to speak. I learned to sleep with the television on, the radio on, or even sleep in something uncomfortable if the dreams had been scary.

Fast forward

I'd gone to Miami to stay for 2 weeks with a Babalawo, which you've probably seen me mention in other posts. When I was there, I was back to my old dreaming vision having self. It was so exciting. It was like a paralyzed person being able to get up and run again! Then eventually I went back to church. At first it was okay because the new pastor believed in all that stuff. She didn't try to control it or suppress it. It was cool. Then what always happens around me happened again. She changed. She wanted to control me. She didn't want to really teach me anymore, she just wanted me to sit, be quiet, and not say anything to anybody about anything. Even if I felt, deeply, like I was supposed to. No reason given. Anyhoo, so I started using my tactics to suppress the dreams and visions the best way I could. At first it wasn't working, but eventually it did. By the time I saw her for what she was and saw the construct of the institutionalized church for what it was, it was too late. I'd put an entire side of myself to sleep. I was a walking spiritual zombie.

Fast forward

Ifa has pulled me in. I'm settling in. I had a bump in the road, but I'm still here. It's a beautiful path and I'm happy. The one problem? I'm not really dreaming and not having ANY visions. Talked to Iya about it, and she's encouraging and teaching me. Slowly the dreams start to come back. I'd forgotten that when I was *ignorantly practicing Ifa before that the dreams had become really physical. Like I was simply living my life in two different realms. If I got hurt in one realm I had bruise or sore in this realm. Well, I have been reminded of this recently. I haven't gotten hurt in a dream yet, but I have gotten shocked in a dream only to wake up still feeling the affects, and I have gotten up with skin sensitivity issues from strong energies being literally thrown at me. So all that to say that I do feel as though dreams are real. Real in the sense that because deep sleep is so close to death, we are able to leave our bodies and go to other realms. I'm so past caring about you thinking I'm crazy so don't bother posting any comments like that. I travel in my dreams and even tend to frequent certain places with the same people. The dreams are not reoccurring. They are continuing.

Anyway, last night was the second night of dreaming that someone was trying to get to me in a negative way. I woke up wide awake and although my husband was going to let me sleep in I got up. It was 5:42am trust me, I don't willing get up that hour for anybody. I kept laying there trying to figure the dream out so I didn't call nagging Iya again. I realized that I have to pay attention to the CONNECTIONS that people have with one another. If I can't trust one person, then I have to pay attention to the people connected to them also as birds of a feather tend to flock together.

My dreams save me from a lot when I can understand them and when I pay attention. Like the one yesterday and this morning taught me about trust. I am naturally a very trusting person and pretty quick to forgive. This, for me, means that I get hurt a lot and caught off guard. I'm ALWAYS shocked when somebody does something mean to me. My first thought it ALWAYS, "...but what did I do to them to make them treat me like that?". Then time passes and I have to fight like hell to keep from forgiving and FORGETTING. For whatever reason, however, my dreams stick with me. I think it's because I feel like it is SPIRIT warning me and so I have to respect it more. I have to learn, however, that Spirit also works through my Ori when I'm awake, so I shouldn't have to get my nerves torn to shreds in a dream to get it.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading. Didn't intend on making this post this long...
*meaning I wasn't really learning anything. I was only doing what I was told, but wasn't being taught the meanings and such.

Heeeeeelllllllll Naaaaaaawwwwww!!!!!!

Hell naw. That's what I wanted to saw to this lady that wants me to do her hair. I wanted to say it because she doesn't comprehend "no". Here's the background:

She knows somebody who knows my aunt. The somebody told her about my aunts hair and she wants me to do hers. For various reasons, I'm not taking anyone right now, but am still willing to consult and teach as needed. I told her this very clearly. She kept giving me her sob story and I kept saying no. There a million natural hairstylist and I'm not arrogant enough to think that she couldn't go anywhere else, which is what I suggested to her. Anyhoo, I scheduled a consultation for tomorrow. She wanted to know if I could do it last Friday or Saturday. RED FLAG She thought she was going to be slick and get her hair done. NOT. I have been through this before when I was less aware and I would cave and be sorry later. She called today while I was out and talked to my husband like she really knew me so he gave her the cell number. She called to "confirm" our appointment. Nah, that just what she said. I knew what she was up to and she got around to it. Retelling the story that I've heard a million times from her. At this point it's a pissing contest. Can she come early. Can she stay late. Can she schedule for another time. NO.NO.NO. I already know that tomorrow will be her first and last time seeing my face. I am also fairly certain that she is going to meet the straight forward no BSing version of myself because she is aggravating me.

THE LESSON:  These kinds of people come into my life because of the residual energy that I have lingering that says that I can easily manipulated and made to change my mind. See, I used to always allow people to talk me into things that I didn't want to do. I used allow people into my cipher that shouldn't be there, and I knew they should have never entered in the first place. Those days are gone. That chic is dead. My no means no and my yes is yes. I have also learned that part of the reason I must be so careful about the company I keep is because of my Ori. It seems to be a lil sensitive to carrying other people's crap. I tend to carry other people's weight on my head. Now, I look back and can understand why I wrapped my head faithfully during certain periods in my life. It was self preservation. I was protecting my head. Gotta get more white cloth because my head is calling for it...

Roller Coaster Emotions...

I just need to write this. I don't feel balanced today. I want to laugh. I want to cry, as I allow Yemoja's waters to leave a salty streaks on my cheeks. I want to lay close to my husband as he prays over my Ori in offering to Obatala and have him reach deep into my center and help me release with the fire of Sango. I want to scream all of my pissed off-ness at the top of my lungs as an offering to Oya and then whisper encouragement to my children from the  honey coated lips of Osun. I want to crawl back in bed, turn my fan on, pull the covers up around my face, and pretend to be asleep while I listen to the birds chant Ifa.

Alas my apparent imbalance is so balanced, just so unfamiliar. Modupe gbogbo Orisa.

I'm omo who?

So, when I began this path I was CERTAIN that I was omo Oya. Why? Because I feel a strong connection to egun, cemeteries, and I am ride or die with my Sango husband. Well, we thought he was Sango...Anyhoo, we got our first readings done and it came up that I was omo Osun. Now, to be honest I was crushed. I almost cried. I literally felt rejected by Oya. I know that may sound stupid, but it is what it is. Akinlabi came up omo Sango. To be honest I could see some of that, but we were never quite certain that it was right. I expressed these concerns to Iya. I guess my Ori was wearing on her Ori, so she decided to find out if our initial reading was on point. Well...drum roll please.
Akinlabi is...
 and
Omo Obatala ati Ori. Makes perfect sense! I had no idea that you could have Ori as your guardian aside from the usual understanding of our dependence on Ori. Who knew? What's really interesting is that Obatala has a lot to do with Ori and Sango to the point Obatala can't really be separated from either one. Ase ooo!!!

I was found to be...

ati
 I am omo Osun ati Ifa...

I'll say this. It make perfect sense in regards to what I was told in my roots reading. I come from a family that worshipped Ifa and also created a lot of the tools/beading that the Ifa priest used.

For us this has very heavy implications. Akinlabi will become a priest of Obatala and will be Iyanifa and Osun priestess (well I guess the later still applies from the initial reading). Gotta be honest, I am very nervous. I figured that we would end up on a road like this because we both have always been prophesied to about "going into the ministry". I was dubbed a prophet, though I have blocked most of that ability and feel really stupid because now I need it and am having to work hard to get back what I had naturally. SN, please be grateful for whatever natural abilities you have. Never fear them, because they are to help you and complete you as an individual. All that being said, now I'm ready to get our full readings done. I am so scared an excited about my path. I guess, I just take it one day and one step at a time...

I ain't scared...um...on second thought, yes I am.

A sista on FB asked a question. The question was, "Are people who practice ATR afraid to say so? I never thought about being afraid but I am learning that this fear is more common than not..." Initially I responded. I erased it after seeing that a brother respond with, "Closet folks! SMDH". Okay, so this wasn't going to be a building session huh? My initial response, that I erased was, "I'm not scared around other people but I am still scared to tell my parents." I removed the response because I generally don't expose raw emotions to pissed off, arrogant, I've-already-arrived-and-forgot-where-the-hell-I-came-from-so-I-sit-on-my-throne-in-judgment-of-others-type Negroes.

I don't really care what my father has to say about it because he is perpetually disappointed in me anyway. My Mama is a whole other story. I love this woman in ways that simply cannot be expressed. I know that she is going to go through a whole range of emotions. I know that it is going to be a lot tears shed. I know that we will still be really close afterward. I have a sneaking feeling that I am about to be exposed pretty soon. lol In many ways it would be such a relief. Contrary to what Angry-black-brotha assumes, I'm not in the closet. I don't really hide it from anyone...except my family. Okay, so maybe that is slightly punkish, but that's where I am. I love my Mama and I don't want to hurt her. I can deal with everyone else's reactions, but I fear that her disappointment will be unbearable...

Ori~Praying Inwardly vs Outwardly/Upwardly

So this year has really kicked the door in. There has been a lot of changing and shifting. Some of the changes were really easy and some were literally heart wrenching and had to be cried out. This year has a very strong presence, if that makes sense. I am both fearful and excited about what it will bring. I was listening to a blogtalk radio show that was giving various readings for the year.

One common theme I've noticed with readings from all over is that this year has a lot of female energy and power. This came into play for me because I was reading a book called "Osun, the Manly Woman". It was written by a man that is omo Osun. In the first few chapters he really seemed to be berating women, and boy was it pissing me off. What was strange about my being pissed off? Well, you see, I was raised in a household with a very chauvinistic father. I never fell totally into his beliefs about women, but I also never learned about the power of the feminine principle. It was also really interesting that around the end of December I began to feel really strongly that I needed to begin a Rites of Passage program for girls in my area. I really excited about stepping into my Osun-ness this year.  Anyhoo, once I made the connections between the readings I'd heard and my strong feelings about the book I was reading it all started to make sense. I bonus was that it deepened my belief in the power of readings and things of the like.

Another change is that a VERY important relationship ended. I won't give all of the details, because it still hurts and it really won't benefit you to hear them. I was extremely attached to and dependent on this person. My husband began to feel uneasy about the relationship, well honestly he felt uneasy from the beginning. Our discussions ranged from simple talks to full on arguments. What I will admit this now, that I wouldn't admit before is that  he has never been wrong about things like that in the past. I didn't ever tell him, but I'd also begun to feel uneasy and begun to dream and hear things concerning it at my shrine. I fought all of this for a long time because I knew this was going to cause some major pain for myself and the sista involved. Long story short the friendship ended, I cried it out, and began to search for the lesson that required me to go through such unbearable pains. One major lesson was that I don't listen to my Ori and I'm not connected to it deeply enough. This problem started a long time ago when I went back to church. I began to learn to ignore my Ori there. Listening to it got me in a lot of trouble and I needed to blend in. Now I am working on reconnecting, because ignoring my Ori will have me up shit creek to put it lightly. All that being said...

I was praying to my Ori and realized that I was praying upward/outward. My prayers were not being aimed internally. I stopped and wondered what that was about. I realized that I'd always been taught by example that when you prayed to the various parts of the Trinity that they were out there somewhere. Although you are told that "Your body is the dwelling of the Holy Spirit" the behaviors and prayers don't necessarily reflect that. So here I am holding my head, praying, and trying to redirect them. Why is this so important? Because my life will change so very much as soon as I realize that everything I need is inside ME. The sista that I had to part ways with always told me that the first and most important law is that of self preservation. I told her that I always felt so guilty about even thinking that way, but I understand it now. I know what it means and for me it starts with projecting my prayers inward. It starts with acknowledging Ori above and before any other guardian, guide, Orisa, or person. Nothing good can even come to me unless Ori allows it. Another more earthly way to think of it is this. If I don't really want good things for myself or if I don't really think that I deserve good things, then no matter how much my actions say the opposite, those positive things can never come to me.

I began to also consider that part of the trick played on us by way of forcing us to worship a god that doesn't look like us in our mind's eye is that it also forces you to pray externally. It forces my Afrikan soul to seek the wisdom of another. I have to achieve the destiny that my Ori chose for me and I can't do that praying outside myself. I have a lot to do and it starts with reconnecting that which has been disconnected.

Although, it still hurts at times, I am so glad for the 31 days of lessons that January 2011 brought. As for February. Let's get it on!