True Freedom...

My family and I will soon be traveling south to go visit our Ile family. We are all SO excited. Usually when I am really happy about something the second person I share it with is my Mama. She is second because my husband is usually first. Why haven't I told her, because I don't feel like hearing what might come along with it.

You see, I still haven't told my Mama about my "conversion". At first it was because my husband asked me to wait until they asked rather than throwing it up in their faces. That was probably wise because I was a little to froggy at the time and it wouldn't have ended well. You know how when you scared you tend to be on the defense. I still feel like she knows and isn't saying anything. I am petrified of losing my relationship with her because lawd knows I love that woman. I do, however, feel pure anger at the fact that I feel so restricted and bound. I understand why she feels the way she does, but there is no way for me to get her to understand how I feel. It wouldn't be for her lack of trying. It is because of the structure of the Christian beliefs of eternal hell and such. So in short, I am 34 years old and may well be 4 years old.

I talked it over with my godmother who is wise beyond her years AND mine thankfully. I was going to just blurt it out and get it over with because I am literally exhausted with this. I have chosen a path that doesn't condemn that paths of others, but somehow I am not able to escape being condemned. Since I feel like I'm still a kid, I will probably use the system that Mama developed when I was young. When we found that something was too hard to talk about or we were too mad to talk about it, we would write notes to each other. I'm thinking that this is a note writing situation and yes I'm a punk when it comes to my Mama. Either way I will be SO happy when this is all over. It'll probably get really interesting since everybody in my family is some form of Christian.

Fuh dose uh you dat know duh power uh prayer, please pray my skrenf in duh lawd.

I ain't scared...um...on second thought, yes I am.

A sista on FB asked a question. The question was, "Are people who practice ATR afraid to say so? I never thought about being afraid but I am learning that this fear is more common than not..." Initially I responded. I erased it after seeing that a brother respond with, "Closet folks! SMDH". Okay, so this wasn't going to be a building session huh? My initial response, that I erased was, "I'm not scared around other people but I am still scared to tell my parents." I removed the response because I generally don't expose raw emotions to pissed off, arrogant, I've-already-arrived-and-forgot-where-the-hell-I-came-from-so-I-sit-on-my-throne-in-judgment-of-others-type Negroes.

I don't really care what my father has to say about it because he is perpetually disappointed in me anyway. My Mama is a whole other story. I love this woman in ways that simply cannot be expressed. I know that she is going to go through a whole range of emotions. I know that it is going to be a lot tears shed. I know that we will still be really close afterward. I have a sneaking feeling that I am about to be exposed pretty soon. lol In many ways it would be such a relief. Contrary to what Angry-black-brotha assumes, I'm not in the closet. I don't really hide it from anyone...except my family. Okay, so maybe that is slightly punkish, but that's where I am. I love my Mama and I don't want to hurt her. I can deal with everyone else's reactions, but I fear that her disappointment will be unbearable...