Pride and love

Last week a client called me and asked me if she could treat me to a pedicure. I refused as my mind was flooded with feelings of guilt. I mean, she's not rich. She has her own financial issues and responsibilities. I mean, my feet look like "who done it and why". I told her to let me think about it and try to get over myself. I just couldn't do it. Pride.

Yesterday I was in the grocery store. Everybody and their Mama decided to go to the store at the exact moment I did. They store was short staffed and cashiers were having technical difficulties. As I stood in line I began to talk to an elder couple in front of me that I'd seen flirting with each other earlier. We exchanged ideas about how the store could be run more efficiently, dinner plans, and past jobs. When the checked out, they seemed to kind of wait around to tell me goodbye. I expressed how I'd really enjoyed talking to them. I leaned over to the woman and whispered playfully how I loved her earrings and needed them in my life. I smiled and walked away. She caught up to me removing her earrings and telling me I could have them. At first I refused, because receiving is not my strong point. She repeated the offer with a warm look that made me think of my own mother. I hugged her in gratitude like I'd known her forever.

I love giving and I realised that it is my own pride that keeps me from receiving and keeps others from feeling the joy I feel when I give freely. I don't know when this behavior started, but I know that it was exacerbated by the martyr-like attitude of the church. You learn to totally sacrifice yourself on the altar giving everything away in the name of God while never learning to preserve yourself. I am learning daily to love myself and receive love. I am learning not to push love away. Love doesn't make you feel guilty, pride does. The two are often and strangely confused...at least they were in my mind. This post doesn't really have a clear cut point. I just wanted to share this very pivotal leg of my journey to Ifa and to my highest self.