Russell Means talks about women/matriarchy

How Native American Confronts Protesters on Illegal Immigration

My Child Rearing "Style" & Where It Comes From

Dying Upon the Altar of the Good Girl

Voodoo Mounted by the gods

My heart is aching...

I was watching Black Girls Rock with my newly teenaged daughter. There was an actress whose name I can't remember that mounted the stage and thanked her parents. When she thanked her father, he looked at her as if she'd just been born. As if it were his first time gazing upon her beautiful face. He mouthed something back that ended with the word "baby" and he smiled this sweet smile at her. At that moment I was both happy for and jealous of my sister on that stage. Not because of the award, but because her father loves her.

My father is alive and in my life. We lack connection, because of him not knowing how to be a father when I needed one. I have probably covered this before so I won't go back over it. The reason that we are able to interact peacefully at this point is due to my belief in Ifa's teachings about elders. That is the ONLY reason. In truth he isn't the only father figure that has disappointed, hurt, or left me.

When I was little we had a pastor that was SO spiritually connected. I still remember much of what he did and taught. He went to another church. Then came another one that was SUCH a father type, and he got moved to another church too. I went the military and got out. When I got out I met some people that introduced me to a babalawo, and long story short, he didn't see that he was a father figure and tried to be a lover instead. In my young adult years I grew close to a family friend and he did what my father didn't. I don't think I've ever loved a man like that. He both corrected me and made sure that I KNEW I was loved. About the time I met my husband he died suddenly. He took my heart and all hope of having a father with him. At his funeral, my father stood and acknowledged that Uncle Eddie had been more of a father to me than he ever had. That was a dark time in my life. I didn't think I was going to make it, but Osun was kind. She's sent my husband. My healing began. He has given me safety, security, and love.

I still have a very difficult time with men in authority positions. I don't like to humble myself to them. I don't fully trust them. I expect they will disappoint, hurt, or violate me. In the meanwhile, Osun has been merciful. She has surrounded me with more mother's and sisters than I know what to do with. I have learned know to just allow myself to be healed. There are two men that I hold close, my Obatala husband and my Esu Baba.

I'll stop here, because as of now this story has no end. I'm just learning to get stuff off my chest. I'm a healer in need of healing. I'm on a path of my choosing and I won't punk out of walking it well.

Rough Day & Smooth 'Tude

Today was lil rough. It was filled with issues.

1. I had a lil interpersonal issue this morning.
2. I was sore from yoga yesterday.
3. I threw up all over the floor in the hallway of the yoga studio.
4. I didn't get to finish yoga, which was my intention for the day.
5. I paid my phone bill and the payment apparently didn't go through.
6. They turned my phone off.
7. When I walked in the door covered in vomit, my husband told me about my phone.
8. He wanted me to stand there while he called to figure out what was wrong (he didn't see the nastiness somehow) .
9. I felt queasy and my throat was burning so I couldn't eat. 
10. I was so tired I had to take a nap.
11. I took a nap and was still tired.
12. I got a migraine while at my daughter's practice.
13. I couldn't read the magazine I brought, because I couldn't see, because of the migraine.
14. My painless blinding headache turned painful.

Today was a lil rough. It was filled with issues that I handled with good character.

1. I was wise as a serpent and sweet as honey.
2. I did what I could to stretch and felt better.
3. I cleaned it up, apologized, and am going back tomorrow...with a change of clothes.
4. I leave today for today, and take tomorrow as it comes.
5. I paid it again and was grateful that I had the money to do so.
6. They turned it back on immediately and I made my phone calls.
7. Thankfully I am vegan so the vomit didn't stink. 
8. I listened to him and was patient.
9. I listened to my body and didn't eat.
10. I am grateful that my daughter watched the bonus babies and I was able to nap.
11. I was grateful that the only issue I had was being tired.
12. I laughed and played with the children, but just a little less. 
13. I enjoyed watching the children play and listening to them talk instead of reading a stupid magazine. 
14. I enjoyed a relatively quiet ride home, and was thankful for my life.

Although sometimes things don't go the way we think they should, we can make MAJOR changes just by changing our attitudes.

If you want to change your life, change your character.

~Oworin Meji