Freed up a little...

Okay, so I'll admit that I'm not the most patient creature ever created, but I have to best intentions. When I am excited about something I want to learn everything about it. This has been especially true with any religious experiences I've had. I am hitting a major wall with the differences between my experiences in Christianity and Ifa. You see when I was in the church I pretty much was made a minister first and learned all about the religion and stuff later. With Ifa, not matter how I push, pull, and throw fits I can't move forward until I complete and fully understand the next step. This generally has nothing to do with being blocked by various elders. Oh no. Not at all. That would be too easy for me to maneuver and manipulate to get my way. I swear I'm being blocked by shear spiritual force. I am being made to be still and master each step before moving on. Ori, is able to make total sense of this, but the rest of me looks like the girl bouncing back and forth wanting to jump in the double dutch ropes. I was listening to Baba Ifategunse and he was dancing all over my toes. At the same time I was saying ouch I was being relieved of the pressure to achieve. I have been told repeatedly to slow down, but sometimes you just have to hear it the "right way." The way that makes sense in YOUR ears. He was telling me (well it seemed that he was speaking to me) that I should take about 3 years to just concentrate on my Egun. Get that relationship tight first at it is the foundation to everything else. Now, let me say that everyone that has played a role in my "Ifa Education" has told me the same thing, so this is in no way a reflection on those that have taught me thus far. I have just been rushing and pushing and not mastering. Now, I want to master my communication with Egun because I need them and they need me. Our relationship is reciprocal and they have been waiting a long time to be heard and have a lot to say...

I ain't scared...um...on second thought, yes I am.

A sista on FB asked a question. The question was, "Are people who practice ATR afraid to say so? I never thought about being afraid but I am learning that this fear is more common than not..." Initially I responded. I erased it after seeing that a brother respond with, "Closet folks! SMDH". Okay, so this wasn't going to be a building session huh? My initial response, that I erased was, "I'm not scared around other people but I am still scared to tell my parents." I removed the response because I generally don't expose raw emotions to pissed off, arrogant, I've-already-arrived-and-forgot-where-the-hell-I-came-from-so-I-sit-on-my-throne-in-judgment-of-others-type Negroes.

I don't really care what my father has to say about it because he is perpetually disappointed in me anyway. My Mama is a whole other story. I love this woman in ways that simply cannot be expressed. I know that she is going to go through a whole range of emotions. I know that it is going to be a lot tears shed. I know that we will still be really close afterward. I have a sneaking feeling that I am about to be exposed pretty soon. lol In many ways it would be such a relief. Contrary to what Angry-black-brotha assumes, I'm not in the closet. I don't really hide it from anyone...except my family. Okay, so maybe that is slightly punkish, but that's where I am. I love my Mama and I don't want to hurt her. I can deal with everyone else's reactions, but I fear that her disappointment will be unbearable...

Ori~Praying Inwardly vs Outwardly/Upwardly

So this year has really kicked the door in. There has been a lot of changing and shifting. Some of the changes were really easy and some were literally heart wrenching and had to be cried out. This year has a very strong presence, if that makes sense. I am both fearful and excited about what it will bring. I was listening to a blogtalk radio show that was giving various readings for the year.

One common theme I've noticed with readings from all over is that this year has a lot of female energy and power. This came into play for me because I was reading a book called "Osun, the Manly Woman". It was written by a man that is omo Osun. In the first few chapters he really seemed to be berating women, and boy was it pissing me off. What was strange about my being pissed off? Well, you see, I was raised in a household with a very chauvinistic father. I never fell totally into his beliefs about women, but I also never learned about the power of the feminine principle. It was also really interesting that around the end of December I began to feel really strongly that I needed to begin a Rites of Passage program for girls in my area. I really excited about stepping into my Osun-ness this year.  Anyhoo, once I made the connections between the readings I'd heard and my strong feelings about the book I was reading it all started to make sense. I bonus was that it deepened my belief in the power of readings and things of the like.

Another change is that a VERY important relationship ended. I won't give all of the details, because it still hurts and it really won't benefit you to hear them. I was extremely attached to and dependent on this person. My husband began to feel uneasy about the relationship, well honestly he felt uneasy from the beginning. Our discussions ranged from simple talks to full on arguments. What I will admit this now, that I wouldn't admit before is that  he has never been wrong about things like that in the past. I didn't ever tell him, but I'd also begun to feel uneasy and begun to dream and hear things concerning it at my shrine. I fought all of this for a long time because I knew this was going to cause some major pain for myself and the sista involved. Long story short the friendship ended, I cried it out, and began to search for the lesson that required me to go through such unbearable pains. One major lesson was that I don't listen to my Ori and I'm not connected to it deeply enough. This problem started a long time ago when I went back to church. I began to learn to ignore my Ori there. Listening to it got me in a lot of trouble and I needed to blend in. Now I am working on reconnecting, because ignoring my Ori will have me up shit creek to put it lightly. All that being said...

I was praying to my Ori and realized that I was praying upward/outward. My prayers were not being aimed internally. I stopped and wondered what that was about. I realized that I'd always been taught by example that when you prayed to the various parts of the Trinity that they were out there somewhere. Although you are told that "Your body is the dwelling of the Holy Spirit" the behaviors and prayers don't necessarily reflect that. So here I am holding my head, praying, and trying to redirect them. Why is this so important? Because my life will change so very much as soon as I realize that everything I need is inside ME. The sista that I had to part ways with always told me that the first and most important law is that of self preservation. I told her that I always felt so guilty about even thinking that way, but I understand it now. I know what it means and for me it starts with projecting my prayers inward. It starts with acknowledging Ori above and before any other guardian, guide, Orisa, or person. Nothing good can even come to me unless Ori allows it. Another more earthly way to think of it is this. If I don't really want good things for myself or if I don't really think that I deserve good things, then no matter how much my actions say the opposite, those positive things can never come to me.

I began to also consider that part of the trick played on us by way of forcing us to worship a god that doesn't look like us in our mind's eye is that it also forces you to pray externally. It forces my Afrikan soul to seek the wisdom of another. I have to achieve the destiny that my Ori chose for me and I can't do that praying outside myself. I have a lot to do and it starts with reconnecting that which has been disconnected.

Although, it still hurts at times, I am so glad for the 31 days of lessons that January 2011 brought. As for February. Let's get it on!

I NEED GODPARENTS DAMMIT!!!

This is going to be really short and to the point. I need godparents. I am fully aware of this. I am surronded by people that have godparents that I could probably claim, but I don't feel pulled in that direction. I know that I need for he/she/them to be close to me. Being honest I know that I will not drive, but so far for all of the stuff that will be required of me to be a good supportive godchild and godsibling. I like being involved as much as possible and thus learning as much as possible. I have been gleaning information literally wherever I can get it. The problem is that is might be Lukumi, Santeria, or Ifa and sometimes I can't tell the difference. THEN within those practices each ile has their own personal way of doing things. No matter what I glean, I still feel idle, because I might have to unlearn some, most, or all of it. I don't even have ilekes and I know I need them in a major way. I need a bunch of stuff. It's like I have the need, but I don't have the source. What's that about? It's like I want to put it in the want ads and hold interviews or something! lol That's a no go. I know I'm not the most patience person in the world, but damn. Really? It's taking a while. Okay. I'm done venting. Odabo ati a sunji o

Meandering river...

Have you every looked around your life and it seemed as if shit was just falling down around you like the walls of Jericho? I feel that way right now. Well, in a way I do. It's like I am suffering from split personality disorder. I should be freakin' out and crying. I should be stompin' a mudhole in somebody's ass. I should be curled up in a fetal position in some dark recess. My reaction doesn't seem normal. It's like I'm watching a movie of my life and so the effect is lessened. The load is to heavy, but since it doesn't seem to really be mine... I think that my doppelganger was sent here to assist me in this load that is more than I can bear.

I flow like a meandering river. Squeezing through tight spots, knocking down seemingly impassable obstacles, all the while bringing revitalization to those around me...

Growing and evolving is hard...

We often look at children as they morph seemingly overnight into adults and wonder when it all happened. I would guess that it happened in those nasty messy times when we thought they were going crazy because of their sulking, outbursts, frustrations, and periodic tantrums. Why do I believe this? I believe it, because I feel the same way right now. I feel like a child that needs to be entrusted with more, but is idling in the same place, at the same pace, getting frustrated! I want to learn more. I need to learn more. But alas, I am too immature. I haven't handled some things that need to be handled. Like a child, I want more freedom, but I'm too scared to do what it takes to get it...*snaps the band on big panties and turns on music to continue dancing with Esu*

Updates: Egun, Roots, Teachers, Paths...

Egun Discipline
I'll start this one by just saying this. When your egun tell you to do something, just do it. You are not stronger than they are. You are not more persistent or stubborn than they are. The do NOT just live at the altar and will follow you around like Patrick Swayze did Whoopi Goldberg in the movie "Ghost". They have free range to go where they want and to be as persistent as they want.

Out of pure fear, arrogance, and ignorance did I basically challenge my egun. I was told very clearly to communicate a message to someone. In my opinion the message was going to be very hurtful to this person and so for months I refused to say what I had been told to say. Let's suffice it to say that in the end I said what I was told after much fear, crying, and a really punky email. Guess what. The person wasn't shocked or surprised. I had basically made myself sick and ran myself crazy because I put the imagined feelings of someone else before the request, to put it nicely, of my egun. Note to self: Egun are smarter than us and more persistent because they don't need sleep...

Roots Reading
So I got my DNA done a while back and planned to get oko mi's done too because we were really feeling the need to reconnect with our roots on The Continent. Well, Iya Ifalola told him about getting a roots reading. What is that you ask? Well, I won't tell you what it is because I don't know if it's the same experience for everyone. I will, however, tell you what it was for me. I found out that I returned through my father's lineage which came from Benin. I was also told that we come from artisans and worshiped Ifa and were enslaved because we refused to give up our traditional culture for Islam. Some things were read for my diet and such, but most exciting was that I received my name. Morenike (moh-reh-nee-keh) Egunjobi (Eh-goon-jo-bee). I found it to be very fitting. I'm very happy that I had it done and felt that it was very accurate. Baba Ifategunse from the Village of Oyotunji did it for us and he was VERY patient and a really good teacher. Love HIM!!!

Teachers
I do have 2 people that I would have to consider to be teachers right now which is fine by me. I keep feeling a tug to consult, for whatever reason, a third who is a priestess of Osun. I'm struggling against my fear and stubbornness to just stop over thinking it and contact her. The super stupid part is that her number is already in my phone. Sometimes I just look at myself like, "really?". UGH!

This Path
I have learned so much about myself as an individual and as part of a huge collective. I love myself more. My character is WAY better than it was. I am so much more balanced. I still have a lot to learn, but that is the beauty of this culture. There is always more to learn. You are not judged for what you don't know. You are only judged if you are unwilling to learn. My teachers in aiye ati orun are wonderful and I know that I am loved because they correct me.

I hope this helps you on your path. Ase.