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My heart is aching...
I was watching Black Girls Rock with my newly teenaged daughter. There was an actress whose name I can't remember that mounted the stage and thanked her parents. When she thanked her father, he looked at her as if she'd just been born. As if it were his first time gazing upon her beautiful face. He mouthed something back that ended with the word "baby" and he smiled this sweet smile at her. At that moment I was both happy for and jealous of my sister on that stage. Not because of the award, but because her father loves her.
My father is alive and in my life. We lack connection, because of him not knowing how to be a father when I needed one. I have probably covered this before so I won't go back over it. The reason that we are able to interact peacefully at this point is due to my belief in Ifa's teachings about elders. That is the ONLY reason. In truth he isn't the only father figure that has disappointed, hurt, or left me.
When I was little we had a pastor that was SO spiritually connected. I still remember much of what he did and taught. He went to another church. Then came another one that was SUCH a father type, and he got moved to another church too. I went the military and got out. When I got out I met some people that introduced me to a babalawo, and long story short, he didn't see that he was a father figure and tried to be a lover instead. In my young adult years I grew close to a family friend and he did what my father didn't. I don't think I've ever loved a man like that. He both corrected me and made sure that I KNEW I was loved. About the time I met my husband he died suddenly. He took my heart and all hope of having a father with him. At his funeral, my father stood and acknowledged that Uncle Eddie had been more of a father to me than he ever had. That was a dark time in my life. I didn't think I was going to make it, but Osun was kind. She's sent my husband. My healing began. He has given me safety, security, and love.
I still have a very difficult time with men in authority positions. I don't like to humble myself to them. I don't fully trust them. I expect they will disappoint, hurt, or violate me. In the meanwhile, Osun has been merciful. She has surrounded me with more mother's and sisters than I know what to do with. I have learned know to just allow myself to be healed. There are two men that I hold close, my Obatala husband and my Esu Baba.
I'll stop here, because as of now this story has no end. I'm just learning to get stuff off my chest. I'm a healer in need of healing. I'm on a path of my choosing and I won't punk out of walking it well.
My father is alive and in my life. We lack connection, because of him not knowing how to be a father when I needed one. I have probably covered this before so I won't go back over it. The reason that we are able to interact peacefully at this point is due to my belief in Ifa's teachings about elders. That is the ONLY reason. In truth he isn't the only father figure that has disappointed, hurt, or left me.
When I was little we had a pastor that was SO spiritually connected. I still remember much of what he did and taught. He went to another church. Then came another one that was SUCH a father type, and he got moved to another church too. I went the military and got out. When I got out I met some people that introduced me to a babalawo, and long story short, he didn't see that he was a father figure and tried to be a lover instead. In my young adult years I grew close to a family friend and he did what my father didn't. I don't think I've ever loved a man like that. He both corrected me and made sure that I KNEW I was loved. About the time I met my husband he died suddenly. He took my heart and all hope of having a father with him. At his funeral, my father stood and acknowledged that Uncle Eddie had been more of a father to me than he ever had. That was a dark time in my life. I didn't think I was going to make it, but Osun was kind. She's sent my husband. My healing began. He has given me safety, security, and love.
I still have a very difficult time with men in authority positions. I don't like to humble myself to them. I don't fully trust them. I expect they will disappoint, hurt, or violate me. In the meanwhile, Osun has been merciful. She has surrounded me with more mother's and sisters than I know what to do with. I have learned know to just allow myself to be healed. There are two men that I hold close, my Obatala husband and my Esu Baba.
I'll stop here, because as of now this story has no end. I'm just learning to get stuff off my chest. I'm a healer in need of healing. I'm on a path of my choosing and I won't punk out of walking it well.
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